Monday, January 12, 2015

Midlife crisis?

I don't know why, but all of a sudden it truly hit me that in less than a month, I will turn 30.

30.  And what have I got to show for it? A degree I can't do a damn thing with, a massive student loan, and a baby that seems to want to be attached to my side whenever she's awake.  Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to bits, she is an absolute joy when she's not clinging or grizzling but...I don't know if this is how I envisioned my life.

But then, I don't really know how I envisioned my life.

I know comparing myself to my friends is the path to true madness, but at times like these, I can't help but envy people like my best friend Amanda.  When we were kids, her favourite make believe game of all time was doctors and nurses.  She has a genuine passion for caring for people.  And she turned that passion into a career by getting a nursing degree.  And now she works, travels and owns her own little slice of paradise up north.

Even my husband's the same.  He got his degree, got a job and has been pretty successful.  He's a 4th degree black belt and a pretty damn amazing dad.

I guess I just feel like I'm in this kind of limbo.  Like giving birth shattered me into a million pieces and I've been put back together with some pieces in the wrong places and some missing altogether.  I know I'm never going to be who I was, but neither do I know who I am now.  What am I good at? Can I really make writing a career? What's stopping me from trying?

I can't help missing and envying 19 year old me.  Yeah, she was an angsty, whiny little brat.  But she didn't really give a shit. She drank, smoked weed, had inappropriate (to some) relationships.  And yeah she worked full-time, but still, didn't give a shit.  Of course when relationships ended, it was the end of the world but...

I'm 30.  I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, or even what I WANT for my birthday.

Hell, I just don't know what I want in general.

I just wish I didn't feel so damn lost.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Obligatory introductions.

Hi I'm Chi.  You may remember me from such blogs as Punch-Drunk Explorer and Celebrating the Magic.

I seem to be something of a serial-blogger.  But hopefully this and Celebrating the Magic will be my main two from now on.  Sort of a yin-yang type thing.  The Magic is for things that go right.  This is for when things go wrong and I need a space to vent.

Can't think of anything to rant about, but it'll come.

In closing this brief point I'll leave you with the opening line from 'Don't Stay' by Linkin Park:

"Sometimes I, need to remember just to breathe...."

Yes, yes I do.