Midlife crisis?

I don't know why, but all of a sudden it truly hit me that in less than a month, I will turn 30.

30.  And what have I got to show for it? A degree I can't do a damn thing with, a massive student loan, and a baby that seems to want to be attached to my side whenever she's awake.  Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to bits, she is an absolute joy when she's not clinging or grizzling but...I don't know if this is how I envisioned my life.

But then, I don't really know how I envisioned my life.

I know comparing myself to my friends is the path to true madness, but at times like these, I can't help but envy people like my best friend Amanda.  When we were kids, her favourite make believe game of all time was doctors and nurses.  She has a genuine passion for caring for people.  And she turned that passion into a career by getting a nursing degree.  And now she works, travels and owns her own little slice of paradise up north.

Even my husband's the same.  He got his degree, got a job and has been pretty successful.  He's a 4th degree black belt and a pretty damn amazing dad.

I guess I just feel like I'm in this kind of limbo.  Like giving birth shattered me into a million pieces and I've been put back together with some pieces in the wrong places and some missing altogether.  I know I'm never going to be who I was, but neither do I know who I am now.  What am I good at? Can I really make writing a career? What's stopping me from trying?

I can't help missing and envying 19 year old me.  Yeah, she was an angsty, whiny little brat.  But she didn't really give a shit. She drank, smoked weed, had inappropriate (to some) relationships.  And yeah she worked full-time, but still, didn't give a shit.  Of course when relationships ended, it was the end of the world but...

I'm 30.  I don't know what I want to do for my birthday, or even what I WANT for my birthday.

Hell, I just don't know what I want in general.

I just wish I didn't feel so damn lost.